Chapter+8

Jamie staggered backwards. The giant spirit was rising up from the hole 20ft above him. His head was buzzing. He couldn't think. Jamie could still hear Amelia screaming for help. He had to think fast or else him and his sister would be killed. He looked around frantically trying to find something. He didn't know what he was looking for. He tried to look for his sister but he couldn't see her. He started to panic. Suddenly, the spirits started to walk towards him. He was in shock. Had they killed his sister? Well why else would they be walking towards him. He shouted for his sister but he found no reply. Jamie then remembered. When they were little, Amelia helped Jamie ride his bike for the first time. He fell off but then Amelia helped him back up again and by the end of the week Jamie could ride his bike no problem. He shed a tear. Jamie didn't even think about himself, all he wanted was to save his sister. He skirted around the spirits and ran straight for where his sister was. As he got closer he could see his sister clearer. ran ran as fast as fast as he could to get to her. When he reached her he started shaking her violently saying to her to get up and move. Jamie got no response........

EDITED Jamie staggered backwards. The giant spirit was rising up from the hole 20ft above him. His head was buzzing. He couldn't think. Jamie could still hear Amelia screaming for help. He had to think fast or else him and his sister would be killed. He looked around frantically trying to find something. He didn't know what he was looking for. He tried to look for his sister but he couldn't see her. He started to panic. Suddenly, the spirits started to walk towards him. He was in shock. Had they killed his sister? Well why else would they be walking towards him. He shouted for his sister but he found no reply. The spirits got closer, too close. So Jamie left his sister and started to run. His run slowly turned into a jog. Then Jamie stopped. Jamie then remembered. When they were little, Amelia helped Jamie ride his bike for the first time. He fell off but then Amelia helped him back up again and by the end of the week Jamie could ride his bike no problem. He shed a tear. Jamie didn't even think he skirted around the spirits and ran straight for where his sister was. As he got closer he could see his sister clearer. He ran as fast as as he could to get to her. When he reached her he started shaking her violently saying to her to get up and move. Jamie got no response........

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM
 * I like how you have used short sentences to create more effect
 * You haven't written very much in this chapter. It is great short but it could be even better if you try to include more information e.g what the spirit looked like or mabye he starts to think about how much he hates his sister and starts to turn away but then remembers a special memory of his sister helping him ride a bike when they were younger, and he then gets the courage to run and find her. You don't have to stick with those ideas if you have got an even better one

Hope that helps when you come to editing it, Abigail

Two stars and a wish (Lucy)

Star - you have used short sentences which means you created suspense and tension.

Star - you have described it very well when Jamie finds Amelia and when Jamie has the little flash back.

Wish - maybe make the chapter a little bit longer

but it is a really good chapter :)

** The 20ft Monster ** Chapter 8

amie staggered backwards. The giant spirit was rising up from the hole 20ft above him. His head was buzzing. He couldn't think. Jamie could still hear Amelia screaming for help. He had to think fast or else him and his sister would be killed. He looked around frantically trying to find something. He didn't know what he was looking for. He tried to look for his sister but he couldn't see her. He started to panic. Suddenly, the spirits started to walk towards him. He was in shock. Had they killed his sister? Well why else would they be walking towards him. He shouted for his sister but he found no reply. The spirits got closer, too close. So Jamie left his sister and started to run. His run slowly turned into a jog. Then Jamie stopped. Jamie then remembered. When they were little, Amelia helped Jamie ride his bike for the first time. He fell off but then Amelia helped him back up again and by the end of the week Jamie could ride his bike no problem. He shed a tear. Jamie didn't even think he skirted around the spirits and ran straight for where his sister was. As he got closer he could see his sister clearer. He ran as fast as as he could to get to her. When he reached her he started shaking her violently saying to her to get up and move. Jamie got no response.
 * J ||