Chapter+7

All the spirits where crowding her. Amelia was so scared, and at the point she was screaming for help and Jamie just stood their in the distance, in shock! Amelia tried to run but she couldn’t she was stuck. All the spirits started sshe could hardly breathe. Jamie stopped near this big hole and just stood there, thinking should I jump? He was so confused. Amelia stopped and ran over to him. Jamie was about to jump in but a huge spirit came rushing out..........creaming at her to give them what they wanted but she kept telling them, "what are you on about?". They thought she was lying. Jamie finally came running over. He just thought he was dreaming! He kept saying sorry to Amelia for all those years of fighting but all Amelia was worried about was getting what they wanted so the world could go back to normal! Amelia still didn’t know what they where wanting and she couldn’t believe that she had an ancestor from over 100 years ago. She kept asking what they wanted, and finally they told Amelia what they wanted ?. The spirits finally told Amelia what they wanted.... She shouted over to Jamie, "The spirits want something to do with power". Jamie was so confused! "What?, I don't understand" said Jamie. Amelia kept running so the spirits wouldn’t get her she was trying to shout over to Jamie’s but she was to tired and hungry that Improvements:


 * I have tried my hardest to edit it and make it better, I have also explained why Jamie was about to jump in the big hole! :)

Two stars and a wish:

-You described their thoughts and feelings very well. I can easily understand how they're feeling.

-You created a scary atmosphere, very dramatic and intense.


 * Try and use more words other than 'thought' and 'said'. There is loads of other words that fit the scene. Try to vary your sentence structure.

Other than that it was very good, a great chapter :) (Louise)

Star- You created the scary and intense atmosphere very well. Star- You used short sentences very well to to create suspence. Wish- maybe try and use more imagery and description.